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Wood’s Thailand Guest Post – First Time in Bangkok, Samui, Phangan, and Pattaya

Below is a guest post from the newest member of the Gods of Thailand, Wood. This is about his first time visiting Thailand and is full of useful information and advice. A few things you’ll read about:

– 3 girls in 3 days
– Koh Samui was okay…Koh Phangan is FUCKING AMAZING
– Beware of the motorbike
– Pattaya’s not my thing
– Check out Mixx and Sky Bar
– Opps…she was married
– The elusive threesome
– How to choose the best masseuse

This is a must read for anyone thinking of coming to Thailand. It’s great to gain another perspective from a first timer to Thailand.



I would like to start off by saying thank you to the KOT. Your site not only got me pumped-up for my 3 week excursion to Thailand, but benefited me greatly once I arrived.

That began within the first few minutes of arrival. We packed ultra-lite, which in my opinion is a must. It keeps you mobile, no waiting for the baggage carousel and laundry is so cheap and convenient in Thailand that there’s no sense packing everything you own.

We waltzed down to the first floor public taxi, per your suggestion and quickly got a cab and off we went. We were dropped off at the Boss Suites, which I will highly recommend to anyone traveling to Bangkok. We stayed there for the first 4 nights and then liked it so much, finished our trip off there later. It really was a perfect location, right on Soi 4. It’s tucked back a little ways, but no worries because they have a free tuk-tuk ride to the main road, or Nana Plaza if that’s your thing. They’ve got a terrific staff, a nice and affordable restaurant, clean rooms, laundry service and they just opened up a bar that serves any cocktail for 100 baht during happy hour from 5-9. I know because I was the first customer upon opening the doors to the joint. Great place to relax and pre-game before a crazy night out. 

Bangkok Day 1

Fresh off a 14 hour flight, we were thinking it may just be a good night to crash and regroup. “Fuck dude, we just arrived in Bangkok, I ain’t gonna be able to sleep.” We shower and hit the road. The first night was a little overwhelming. It was well past 2 am and despite our best efforts, reading every KOT post twice to prepare, we had no clue what the hell to do or where to go. Like most people, it takes me a little while to acclimate and get my bearings, so we pulled up a chair to the first chick that said, “Welcome, Handsome Man!” and had a couple beers. It quickly became evident to me that I had not read “The Ladyboy Survival Guide” enough because all I’m thinkin’ is fuck I am in trouble, I can’t tell what’s what here.

Note, Soi 4 definitely has it’s fair share of lurking ladyboys after Nana closes, but really isn’t too bad. We venture out to the main road, cross the street and start walking when we are soon greeted by a friendly Mamasan who invites us in, has her harem give us a much needed cold towel bath and a couple brews. I could get used to this. After a few, we decide we really are exhausted and pack it in for the night.

Bangkok Day 2

We learned a few days before arriving that our trip would coincide with Songkran, the Thai New Year. Well happy day! We didn’t know what to expect, we walk out of the hotel and are soon greeted by loud music and every single Thai, expat and world traveler armed with a fuckin super soaker or water bucket ready to drench us. We’re laughing like assholes and taking it all in as cute Thai girls are gently wiping pink, green and yellow stuff on our faces. We soon look like we’d been through the car wash and paid a little extra for the Triple-shine. As fun as this was (at least for the first day) we were on a mission. Must go to Annies for Soapy Body massage is how my To-Do list read it.

We arrive and it occurs to me that I don’t care how many times it’s recommended or what you read about it, you’re really never prepared for your first Soapy. Showing up, taking a gander at the “menu” if you will and making your selection is what I’d like to believe heaven is like. The rest is just frosting. 2500 Baht well spent. After a little lunch and exploration, we decide to take in a movie. Damn the United States, we sure don’t have it figured out like these guys do. A little over 10 bucks gets you a big comfy loveseat that reclines and maybe a blanket. I’ll stand for the King twice for that kinda service! I watched a lot of movies while in Thailand. It was cheap, comfortable, and gave my liver a little bit of a rest. To top it off I’m watching American films that won’t come out for a couple weeks back home.

After the movie, we head back and hit up Nana Plaza for the first time. It would be here where’d I’m meet my “Thai girlfriend” that I’d go on to spend about 7 nights of my trip with and not pay a dime for. She would throw a serious wrench in my final “numbers” but I didn’t mind. She was cute, funny and spoke good English. She was a bar girl at one of the spots in Nana Plaza. She baited me in with a cute smile and a little Connect Four. My buddy sat and played another game with her friend while we drank beer and got another cold towel wipe down. Going in April and May might be the only regret I have for the trip as it is almost unbearably hot at times. We sat there and had a great time until closing and took the girls over to our Mama for one more beer. I grabbed mine and began the trek back home. No talk of payment, no paying for a taxi and no McDonalds delivery driver trick (which I unfortunately never go to use), just one hell of a great night.

Bangkok Day 3

The next night, after making it till around 5:30 AM, Mama would convince me to take one of her girls home. Again, no discussion of payment. If my math is correct, that makes 3 girls in 3 days in Thailand. This is gonna be fun!

Bangkok Day 4

Our final night for our first stretch in Bangkok was spent with my Thai girlfriend. We said our goodbyes and it was time for us to hit the islands.

Koh Samui

We hopped a flight to Koh Samui and arrived there early on day number 5. We decided, that because the KOT suggested staying near Ark Bar, we just stay at Ark Bar. We crashed for a while. When we woke up we explored the streets of Samui and ended up somewhere near Green Mango. Same song, second verse. A couple of Thai ladies approach us and we play jenga and drink beer for a couple hours. We probably could have pulled these girls, but in all honesty they were 6s and I’d rather sleep alone on my shitty twin bed at Ark Bar.

The next morning we decide to switch hotels, when we end up talking to this dude from England who sold us on the idea that Koh Phangan was amazing and that’s where we needed to be. We may not have given Samui a fair shake, but oh well. We took a taxi and hopped on the first ferry.

Koh Phangan

In 45 minutes we arrived at the island which may have hosted the nicest leg of our trip. (If not for a little accident. More on that in a bit)

Once we got off the ferry, we were handed a brochure for Sea Breeze Resorts. We decide to check it out. Another Gem! $20 bucks a piece per night gets us a nice little bungalow with one king and one twin sized bed. I get the king cuz I’m a tall drink of water and need to stretch my shit out.

This place has an awesome staff, great location and a nice pool. I think it’s been 6 fuckin’ days in Thailand and I have yet to get a massage. The front desk lady tells us that we can rent motorbikes through her friend and that they’ll be delivered up to us so we don’t have to walk down the hill. Jackpot! 150 Baht, or 5 bucks a day, We can’t lose! (How wrong I was)

In 30 minutes, we hop on our scooters and head into town. We’re cruising around thinking this may be the greatest place on earth when we pull into a massage parlor and order the Thai massage. Wow, for 6 bucks we’re getting the shit beat out of us by a 110 lb Thai chick. It felt great. My girl didn’t speak much English at all and so I told my buddy, mid-massage, that “mine is fuckin hot” We finished and paid. I didn’t think my girl was feeling me much so didn’t think any more of it. After a nice dinner, we head down to the beach.

Now to each their own but I was very excited to not be traveling to the island during the busy full moon party. I’d rather have it a little less crazy.

We step on the beach and I shit you not, I’ve been all over and this is bar none the hottest selection of women from around the world I have ever seen. There were hot Thai women of course, but also gorgeous Euro chicks that all kind of look like Francoise, from the movie The Beach and some super-cute hippy chicks. We proceed to get absolutely faded on buckets of Vodka, Redbull and either Fanta or Sprite depending on how we were feeling. The fire show was amazing, the music was tight and we’re on the other side of the world in the middle of it all! Who shows up but my hot massage girl in a smoking little red dress. We attempt to talk for a while, but it’s futile so she leads me back to her motorbike, takes me home, showers me and takes care of business.

Koh Phangan Day 3

On the 3rd day at Koh Phangan my trip decides to take a slight turn for the worse. Cruising down a hill, bending around a corner on my motorbike I hit a patch of sand and wipe out. My buddy followed suit but was able to ditch his bike rather than take the brunt of it on his skin. I scraped up my forearm, leg and my foot took the worst of it. I was unable to walk in sandals for the majority of the rest of the trip. After taking the fall, it seemed that everyone we talked to had horror stories about motorbike accidents. It was time to ditch these death-traps. A few nasty scrapes and $200 dollars (which is a lot of pad thai and massages) later, we turned in the bikes. The way I look at it. It could have been a hell of a lot worse. Lesson learned. The remainder of our time on Koh Phangan was spent on R&R.


When we decided to head out, it was time to see what all the fuss was about in Pattaya. When we arrived, we promptly checked into the Penthouse Hotel. Nice recommendation. I’ve stayed at Hedo four times in Jamaica, so this shit was right up my alley. Again, after a little rest we head down to the Kitten Club. I wish we would have scoped the area a little more before deciding on this one place as it turned out to be filled with ladyboys. I though the Kitten-club was all ladies and the adjacent obsessions was all lady-boys but I was mistaken. They were divided out and we had 4 or 5 hot chicks to choose from.

After a short meet and greet with a few, we made our selection and took them back to the two room suite. These chicks were pretty hot, and absolute pros. Rather than keep her all night, and after my buddy’s chick had already bolted, I decided that the short time was the way to go. I paid for her services and off she went. We got showered and dressed and explored Pattaya a bit more but decided that it was just too much for our taste. Nonstop begging and pleading for ping pong shows and soapies was not for me. We headed back to the hotel and I decided that maybe I hadn’t quite had enough. I ordered a massage back at the room. I knew what I was getting myself into. Worst 5 minute massage, followed by, “you want blowjob or boom boom?” Sure why not. After some negotiating, I got the special package for little more than I was already paying. Lousy massage, lousy lay but it got the job done and I was done with Pattaya.

Back To Bangkok

We checked out and took the bus back to Bangkok for a few bucks. We checked back into the Boss Suites and after a couple of relaxing days of movies and massages we decided to check out Soi Cowboy. This place was great. I like country music and the band at country road was playing some good stuff. Cute friendly girls and cold beer, a nice combination.

Unfortunately, friends who have been together for 3 weeks straight and a little too much alcohol can sometimes be a bad combination. One blowout later and he was hopping the first flight home and I was on my own for the rest of the trip. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

After a little trial and error, I ended up settling on Mixx Club as my go to spot in the evening. The first night I’m there I felt like a fuckin’ celebrity!

Girls walking up and chatting the whole time, eyeballs from across the room. It was awesome. I ended up choosing this hot Thai chick that owned her own business and was there with her 2 hot friends. After getting the blessing from her brother, we took her car back to my hotel. (Featured in the above photo.)

After a great time, I was informed that she could not stay the night. She had to get back to her husband.


The next night at Mixx Club I ended up chatting with the mixologist Alex, from Sky Bar, which I had visited the night before. He told me to stop in again before I take off. If you do one thing in Bangkok, make it a trip to Sky Bar. Absolutely beautiful view and the best White Russians you’ll have in your life. Seems like a simple cocktail until you taste what can happen if they’re concocted by a mastermind. Not a cheap place, but it is worth it, if only for a couple.

I’m one that if I find a place I like I stick with it. So the next night, guess where, Mixx Club. I was on a mission. I needed to find a threesome. I was getting plenty of attention from singles, but there were two sets of two girls that I thought would be potential companions for the evening. I ended up taking home one pair and to make a long story short only ended up hooking up with the cuter of the two. Damn! In retrospect I should have looked for the best single girl, but oh well.

Last Day

The last day of my trip was spectacular. I decided to combine all my favorite parts of the trip into one evening. I went and got the best massage my trip and learned a very valuable lesson. Do not go to the first cute massage girl that says, “Hello handsome man, masssssssage? Go to the older lady, the professional that will work you over like you’re going 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. I can’t remember the name of this joint, but it was right outside Terminal 21. It happened to be the night Avengers came out, so a movie in one of the best seats in the best theatres in the world was a must. It was pretty solid.

Then I went to Hyde and Seek and had a delicious Wagyu Burger and a beer. I hopped in a cab and decided to take Alex up on his offer to revisit Sky Bar. I showed up and he was upstairs finishing a dinner break. I walked down to the main bar and he fed me excellent cocktails for the price of good conversation for the next couple hours. I wished him well and cabbed it back to make final call at my “Thai girlfriend’s” bar. We walked back to the hotel and finished off the trip in the best way possible.

Thanks again KOT for all your suggestions. My first trip to Thailand will not be my last!

Posted on Gods of Thailand May 13, 2012 in , ,


We are men who live and travel southeast Asia that share our experiences. You can find more at Gods of Thailand and Kings of Bali which are websites dedicated to teaching men how to have the best time in Asia without the bullshit. We also created the most extensive Thailand VIP Membership Program to do just this.

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