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My Final Story – How I Almost Died in Thailand

This is the my final story…

The time has come when I will be retiring.  It has been great reliving and sharing my Thailand experiences with each and every one of you.  But, I have decided to step away from the spotlight and focus on other areas of interest.  Before you right now is the final story:

The final story…

“Hurt me!”

“Hurt you?  What the fuck do you mean?”

“Slap me, chock me, pull my hair…”

“Umm, okay.”  Completely out of my comfort zone, I give her a little slap on the cheek.  She lets out a moan…begging for more…

I look down at her naked body and can’t help but think, “Damn she is hot, but what the fuck did I get myself into?”

Fast forward 3 months…

I caught the knife as it was about to be plunged into my stomach.  I jump back and look into her eyes.  Staring back at me were not the eyes of a woman.  They were the eyes of an insane animal that has completely lost control.

These are the eyes of a woman who has just tried to kill me.  These are the eyes of Tila…  

I’m going to take you back to the fall of 2009, to a time where I was on a mission to find a good girl in Thailand.

I was looking for a beautiful girl that hasn’t slept with many men, a girl who was disgusted at the thought of money for sex, and a girl that had a real job.

The criteria shouldn’t have been too hard to meet, however it proved more difficult than I originally thought, especially if your me and you’ve been living on Koh Samui for the last year.

The downside of being me on Samui, I have slept with nearly every girl I thought was attractive and who wasn’t a complete whore.

The island of Koh Samui is a big place, but I kept running into the same girls everywhere I went.  Even if I found one I haven’t been with, she would later find out that I was with one of her friends.

Going to my normal places was out of the question, too much history there.  I could walk through the clubs and easily cross paths with at least a hand full of my previous nightly companions.

I needed to find a new stomping ground.  A place where the Thais went, but not a place so traditional that the Thai men will be upset if I took their women.

I’ve gone this long without looking down the barrel of a gun held by a jealous Thai boyfriend and had no desire to start now.

On Thursday my friend hands me a flyer, “Black Moon Party on Friday.”

I think this might be the place.  Black Moon is a monthly party where all the clubs are closed early and the action is moved to a huge outdoor rave type environment.  And for some reason, this is one party that every cute girl in Samui attends.

The location has been set.

Fast forward to Friday night…

I’m drunk.  In fact, I’m way too drunk.  I got caught up partying with friends and my goal unfortunately took a back seat.

No longer having the coordination to dance, I walk off the dance floor to the outdoor bar and take a seat.

I turn around on the stool so my back is to the bar.  I look at the options available to me.  Ahead of me there wasn’t much, but it was a different story when I looked to my right.  I see a very cute Thai girl in a pony tail.  She passes the initial first glance, so I work down the standard check list:

Nice Smile = Check
Good Ass = Check (Beyond amazing)
Tits = Unknown (Too drunk to tell if it’s a padded bra)
Symmetrical Face = Check
Tight Body = Check
Hot = Check

She passes the checklist with flying colors!

Next step is to see who she is with.  I look at her companions and see two Thai guys and two Thai girls.

Normally I don’t mess around with girls who have Thai men around them, but I had a good feeling about this one.  Something about the guys just didn’t seem right.

Time to pull out the charm! (Which in this case only involved me looking at her until we make eye contact.)

Our eyes meet, I smile, and she smiles.  I hold my beer out and say “cheers,” she cheers back.

I introduce myself, she tells me her name is Tila.  I ask if she is a “working” girl, she says no and is offended that I thought she might be a prostitute.  I recover by laughing and telling her I was only joking.

I ask if she has a boyfriend, she says no.

I smile!

An hour later my friend and I are having a good time drinking and chatting with the five Thais.  All three of the girls are single and both of the men are gay.

The perfect set up.  I plant the seed that we should move to another location.

Five minutes later my friend and I are invited to the small house party.

Things go well.  We chat and have a good low key time.

Once the sun comes up, everyone is ready to go their separate ways.  I take the hand of Tila and offer to take her to breakfast.

She is a bit hesitant, but I assure her I’m a good boy who has her best interests in mind.  I smile.

Little did I know, I just picked up the craziest girl of my life…

Fast forward two days…

She is on my bed naked.  I admire her perfect ass and wonder how it’s possible for a Thai girl to have an ass that great.  Apple shaped, firm, and very fun.

The last couple of days consisted of sex, eating, going to the beach, and sex in more locations that I could imagine.  She is starting to fully relax around me while naked.

She is starting to talk dirty…

She begs me…

Fast forward two weeks…

Our relationship is purely sexually.  We are together nearly every moment of every day.

Never in my life has sex been so wonderful.  Every moment I was with her involved sex or waiting for my body to recover for another round.

This girl was a freak, and I loved it!

Fast forward one week…

“You can’t miss this trip.  You have no idea what you would be missing out on.  This whole city was designed for guys like us.  You will never find more beautiful Asian women in your life.  48 hours there and you will be destroyed, you will never be able to go back to the boring 9 – 5 life again.”

“I don’t know.  I finally found a girl who I really like.  She’s beautiful, amazing in bed, speaks English, has a good job, and I might be falling for her.  I don’t want to fuck that up”

“Tell her you’re going to Bangkok for business, she’ll never know that you’re in Pattaya.  Besides, I’m telling my girlfriend the same story and I need you to vouch for me, so you have to come.  I already bought the flight tickets, we leave tomorrow at 10am.”

Fast forward three days…

“You’re right, that was easily the best time of my life.  I’ll never forget this trip.  Thanks for convincing me to go.”

“Yeah, I know.  By the way, have you heard from your girlfriend yet?”

“No, she hasn’t returned my calls since I left.  I’m not sure what’s up with her.  I know she’s a good girl, but I just can’t figure out why she’s dodging my calls.”

“Ah well, you’ll figure it out.”

Later that night…

“That bitch won’t answer the phone.  What the fuck?”

I take another shot of Tequila.  I wonder how many that was, but I lost count long before.

We are at Dream Girls.  I’m pulled onto the stage which is full of Thai stripers.  Life is good.

My Danish friend walks through the door and stops when she sees me on stage.  She doesn’t say anything but just shakes her head in a disapproving manner.

“I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I saw your girlfriend inside Green Mango.”

Finally, at least now I can figure out why the hell she hasn’t been returning my calls.

“She’s with a guy.”

My world comes crashing down.  She’s with a guy?  She’s my good girl.  She told me she was only with 6 men in her life.  I believed her.  I thought she was different…

I’m such an idiot!

With a forced smile I say, “Well, let’s go make some trouble.”

My friend looks at me a bit worried…

I walk into the club looking for Tila.  I see her dancing with a white guy.  They are dancing close, they hug, and they kiss.

I say nothing.  I walk up and stop in front of them.  She looks at me completely shocked and breaks away from the other guy.  With all her strength she pushes me, and keeps pushing me.

“How did she get so strong,” I wonder to myself as I’m thrown outside of the club by a freakish strong Thai girl who stands just a few inches above five feet tall.

She screams at me, “It’s not what it looks like!”

“Bullshit it’s not what it looks like! Is this why you haven’t returned my calls, you’ve been fucking him while I’ve been in Pattaya?”

“Pattaya!  You said you were in Bangkok!”

Shit, looks like the secret is out.  She continues to yell at me and the unknown guy comes up and pushes me.  I look at him.

“Are you fucking kidding me?  You push me here, on Samui.”

I laugh and push back.

Tila gets between us.  Security comes and escorts me away.  She leads her new guy back into the club.  I don’t see her for the rest of the night…

2 weeks later…

My phone rings:

Tila:  “I need your help.  I’m stuck in Bangkok and I missed my flight.  I need 1,000 baht for a new flight, will you help me?”
Me:  “Are you fucking kidding?  After how you cheated on me, you really think that I would help you now?”
Tila:  “Please, I need your help.  Just 1,000 baht, I will pay you back when I get to Samui tonight.  I have no one else to call.”

She starts to cry…

I wonder what I should do.  Okay, maybe she wasn’t “that” good of a girl.  But then again, I wasn’t “that” good of a guy.  My trip to Pattaya was, shall we say, very pleasurable.

I agreed to help her out; it was only 1,000 baht, about $30.  And besides, one night with her was well worth ten times that.

Later that night…

I’m out with friends.

I receive a text message from her an hour earlier telling me she is in Samui.

I see her in a beautiful dress walking into Mint bar.  My heart skips a beat, fuck she is beautiful.

I walk into Mint club and see her go upstairs to the bathrooms.  I follow her up the stairs and wait for her.

As she exits the bathroom, she notices me at the upstairs bar.  A huge smile appears on her face and she runs to me.

Next thing I know, we are on a private VIP sofa nearly fucking.  As I look out, I realize the curtains are see-through.

We go home, fuck all night, and create a new personal record for both of us:


In the morning my roommate bitches that he couldn’t sleep due to the noise.  I laugh.

Five days later…

It’s just like old times, we are nothing more than bunnies humping around the island.

That is until day five…

On day five we have our most serious talk.  She tells me she is 27 years old and wants to get married and have a baby within the next year.

I tell her that I am not the guy for that.  If she really feels that is what she needs, she should get back with her ex who proposed last year or find another man.

We fuck and an hour later we decide to call it quits.

2 weeks later…

“You’ve ruined my life! My ex doesn’t want me back.  I hate you!”

She slaps me in the middle of the club…

Completely caught off guard, I catch her wrist as the second slap comes.

“What the fuck?”

She starts screaming at me.  I look into her eyes and notice she is completely drunk and out of control.  She has the “crazy eyes”…

I haven’t seen her in weeks.  Although there have been other women, none of them have come close to satisfying me the way Tila did.

When I look upon her, everything feels right again.

That was until I got slapped.

I tell her that it’s time to go and she should come with me.  She refuses and hits me with her other hand.  This time it was closer to a punch that actually hurt.  I push her off of me as my friend drags me out of the club.

Unsure of what the fuck was going on, I go to my favorite bar and find other ways to keep entertained.

Two hours later…

I’m pissed drunk as I’m walking towards my motorbike.

I see Tila walking into another club.

(Note: You know when you drink and you tend to do stupid shit.  Well this is one of those occasions.  On this night I made two near fatal mistakes.  This was the first…)

With no thought at all, my direction changes as I head towards her.  I want her tonight…

Tila:  “You’ve ruined my life. I was going to marry him.  I hate you!”
Me:  “Take my hand and I will make it all better.”
Tila:  “Get out of my sight, I never want to see you again.  If I see you again, you will regret it.”
Me:  “Fuck you, what the fuck happened to you Tila?”

As this is happening, we are walking into Sound Club.

Tila and her friend walks into the club.  I stay behind and order a beer at the bar located near the front.

Taking a seat, I think back to what the hell happened.  Did I do something wrong?  Is she just drunk?  Is she on drugs?

Probably all of the above…

Half way through my beer I look up and see Tila and her friend talking to two very large Thai men.

They are telling the Thai guys something serious, I see the guys both look my way, then they break off from the girls and walk towards me with body language that can only end badly for me.

Instantly I break my bottle of beer against the table and lazily hold the broken half in my right hand as I’m sitting down.

The guys are seconds away…

I rise from my seat…

Next thing I know, the three of us are slammed against the wall!

I look around and see Thai security all around me and the two Thai guys.

Security escorts me out of the club telling me to go home and not to come back tonight.

My cooler head prevails as I know that’s good advice.  It’s 3:30am and the night has already been crazy enough.  I get on my motorbike and drive home.

30 minutes later…

My phone beeps with a text message:

“I hate you”

(Note: This was my second of two near fatal mistakes…)

I set down my glass of wine and call Tila.  I need to know what happened to her.  She may have been a little messed up, probably due to some daddy issues, but she has never been crazy like this.

Tila:  “What do you want?”
Me:  “What’s going on, why are you so pissed at me?”
Tila:  “Fuck you. I never want to see you again.”
Me:  “This is stupid, I need to see you and talk with you in person.  I’ll be there in 5 minutes.”
Tila:  “I’m waiting…”

Still thinking I can somehow salvage the night or at least talk some sense into her, I hang up and drive to her place.

She opens the door and steps outside without saying a word…

She is standing sideways…

I don’t notice that her right hand is hidden behind her back…

She is holding a large blade…

Her eyes are blazing as she lunges at me…

I caught the knife as it was about to be plunged into my stomach.  I jump back and look into her eyes.  Staring back at me were not the eyes of a woman.  They were the eyes of an insane animal that has completely lost control.

These are the eyes of a woman who has just tried to kill me.  These are the eyes of Tila…

Learn from my mistakes.  Whether you are in America, Europe or Thailand.  When you see an ex-girlfriend look at you with those crazy eyes, it’s best to simply walk the other direction 🙂

Posted on Gods of Thailand July 21, 2011 in


We are men who live and travel southeast Asia that share our experiences. You can find more at Gods of Thailand and Kings of Bali which are websites dedicated to teaching men how to have the best time in Asia without the bullshit. We also created the most extensive Thailand VIP Membership Program to do just this.

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