I Go Hunting for my Stolen Wallet in Thailand

This is a story of reputation, drunkenness, and robbery at its finest!

And as with all great stories, it began in the most innocent way…meeting my friend’s family…

On this night we are meeting up with his father and brother-in-law for dinner and drinks. Both of them are in Thailand for the first time.

Before we arrived, my friend makes a point to pull me aside and say:

“This is my family.  Don’t tell them ANYTHING that we’ve been doing for the last couple of years.”

I give a look of complete innocence, “Of course.  I’ll be a good boy.”

20 minutes later in the middle of dinner…

“I know you!  My friend says you boom boom long time.”

Completely caught off guard, I look over my shoulder and see our waitress:

“Are you serious?  Do you even realize how inappropriate that comment is right now?”

She looks at me with a blank stare…

His brother-in-law starts laughing and says that’s the best thing he’s heard all trip.  His father is speechless.  My friend is…well…not too pleased.

I look over at him and give a shrug that can only mean, “Sorry bro, what can I say.”

Two hours and many drinks later…

“Ha, I don’t care what you say.  Tell him whatever you want.”

I take the opportunity with open arms.  His father and I take another shot of Jager, the stories start rolling out…

Two hours later…

“I’m going to look around to see if there are any decent girls left.”  I leave them to take a stroll around the late night club.

Two girls walk in.  One looks like her face got run over by a truck…multiple times, and the other is way above “pass-able.”

I grab the cute one by the waist and lead her to a table.  Her friend unfortunately follows.

Five minutes go by and I’m starting to get bored.  Talking to uneducated but very cute Thai girls is not really that exciting anymore.  They’re all from Isan, they all have western nicknames, they are all “good girls”, and they all need money for their families…always the same shit.

I look around to see if there are any other options, there are none.  Out of options, I stand up and take the cute ones hand, “Time to go.”

15 minutes later we are at my home…

Very nice body, fairly tight, and loved experimenting.  I was not disappointed…

The next day…

Me:  “Fuck, where’s my wallet?”
Friend:  “Did you check your pants?
Me:  “Yes, I checked everywhere.  Besides, I never take my wallet out with me.  To likely I would get drunk and lose it.”
Friend:  “Well, what did you do after you took the girl home?”

It was about 6am when we returned home.  I was starving and ordered McDonalds.  They delivered.  I didn’t have enough money in my pants, so I went to my wallet.

Friend:  “Did she see where you kept your wallet?”
Me:  “I’m not sure.  I was so drunk.  I remember eating McDonalds and then I’m fucking her in my bed.”
Me:  “Fuck, fuck, fuck!  Do you know how hard it will be to get my credit cards and I.D. sent here…FUCK!”

I looked everywhere.  I tore apart my apartment.  I looked in the sofa, the bathroom, and the kitchen.  I even moved everything out of my bedroom into another room.

My wallet is officially not in the apartment

There is nothing else to say, someone stole it.  I always kept it in the same place for safety.  Although I have never been stolen from in Thailand, I still hide my wallet so there is no temptation for any of my nightly companions.

I trace back the night.  Who was in my house since McDonalds arrived?

There was my friend who slept in my second room.  There was the bartender from the Tequila Bar who randomly came over and slept with him.  Then there was my girl.

I know my friend wouldn’t have stolen it.  I’ve known him for years and he has far more money than I do.

It had to be one of the two Thai girls.

I dropped my girl off at the bar she works at in the morning but I didn’t take her phone number.  That means I’ll actually have to drive down there to confront her.  This meant a lot of work with my current hangover, so I decided to start with the other girl.

I call her friend who works at the Tequila Bar:

Me:  “How well do you trust her?”
Aim:  “Why?”
Me:  “My wallet is missing.”
Aim:  “I don’t think she did it, but I’ll ask her to find out.”

Ten minutes later there is a knock at my door, it’s the girl my friend fucked.

“I didn’t steal.  I steal for what?”

I hate it when Thais use the words “for what”, they use them for everything:

“I steal for what”
“I fuck for free for what”
“I do blah blah blah for what”

So annoying.

“I’m not saying you stole it, but there were only two people in my home and you were one of them.  If you took it, I don’t care.  I just want my cards and I.D. back.”

She denied everything.  To be honest, I kind of believed her.  But I’ve been tricked before by Thai women and by women in general, so I didn’t fully believe her.

It was 5pm and time to talk to the girl I took home for the night.

I’m not looking forward to this.  She is probably working at her bar now.  Which means I’ll have to deal with her, her friends, and the Mama-san of the bar.  This is going to be a pain in the ass…

I enter the bar and she is sitting on a stool opposite to her ugly friend.  I walk up and she smiles.

Me:  “You have something that belongs to me.”
Girl:  “What”
Me:  “You took my wallet, I want it back.”
Girl:  “I not understand.”

She went to get the Mamma-san.  She comes up and asks what the problem is, I told her.

“She not take, she good girl.”

I look around at the bar full of whores…good girl…

“Listen, I don’t care about the money, she can keep it.  I just want the wallet back.

“She good girl, she not take.”

My girl walks to the back and returns with her giant red purse from last night.  She empties it out showing me that my wallet is not there.

I think to myself, Is she kidding me right now?  Does she really think that I would believe her by emptying out her purse hours after it happened?

“I just want the wallet back.  I’ve already called the police.”  The second part was a complete bluff.

“Bring the police, I go get for you.  She not take.”

Fuck, no go on the bluff…

I look at the girl’s face and eyes, I kind of believe her.  I look at the Momma-san and instantly regret having to look at her old used up whorish face.

Most Momma-sans are women who have made so much money from “working” that they own the bar or they are old and used up women who act as a manager.  This one was of the later sort.

“I’ll be back.”  I walk away.

Fuck, I believed both of the girls.

I get home worn out from the previous night and having to deal with this shit.  I lie down on my sofa flipping through the cable channels.  There is nothing good on, I turn the TV off and throw the remote.

I’m hungry.  I count the change next to the television…I have a grand total of 42 baht to my name, a little over one U.S. dollar.  I hate borrowing money from friends and family.

I look at my kitchen and see way too many dirty dishes.

With nothing else to do, I turn into a housewife and start doing my own dishes.  I’m instantly disgusted with lowering myself to such menial tasks, but I fight though it.

Twenty minutes later the dishes are dry and I put them away.  I pick up a knife and open the knife drawer.

I set down the knife on top of the cutting board and the knife slides to the side.  Something was propping up the cutting board.

“What the hell…”

I lift up the cutting board and see my missing wallet.

Relief washes over me.

Then the thought:

I really should stop drinking…

Posted on Gods of Thailand May 5, 2011 in Stories from Gods of Thailand

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